Wrestling Wednesday - Extreme Rules!

So! This Sunday WWE holds it annual Extreme Rules PPV, where every match is held with a different stipulation. Be it 2/3 Falls, Tables, Submission or the nicely vague Extreme Rules match. Passed onto me, to my very pleasant surprise, Paddy Power is taking bets on the outcome of some of the matches at the PPV. So in the interest of helping people make a little extra scratch, here are my tips for Extreme Rules 2012

Randy Orton (1/3) vs. Kane (2/1) - Falls Count Anywhere
Kane has had some terrible history with the Fall Count Anywhere match. BUT Kane has undergone a re-calibration recently, or more accurately he went back to the old Kane with a mask. BUUUUT Orton seems to have been under the radar recently and though I wouldn't be his biggest fan in-ring-wise, I'd definitely see Orton being bumped up to main event status pretty soon. Considering the odds though I say take the risk and hope that they are going to keep up Kane's momentum and make him a evil bastard again.

                                                                           

      KANE

Intercontinental Championship Match
Big Show (c) (5/4) vs. Cody Rhodes (4/7) - Stipulation Yet to be Figured Out
Probably Big Show, since they made a big song and dance about him winning the title and it being his 'Wrestlemania Moment'. Still should be fun and part of me wants Cody to win but it'd make much more sense for Showster to retain.

BIG SHOW

World Heavyweight Championship 
Sheamus (c) (2/5) vs. Daniel Bryan (7/4) - 2/3 Falls
I figure this is going to be a little sleeper hit. I have yet to hate a Sheamus match (Wrestlemania notwithstanding) and Daniel Bryan's pre-WWE 2/3 Falls are always spectacular! Granted this ain't Ring of Honor but WWE are perfectly capable of putting on some awesome wrestling. WWE could actually make this feud pretty interesting with a Bryan win but the safe bet is Sheamus to retain.

                                                                     

  SHEAMUS

WWE Championship 
CM Punk (c) (4/7) vs. Chris Jericho (5/4) - Chicago Street Fight
This. Will. Be. Awesome! Their feud has been bad-ass with Punk and Jericho being an absolute riot! The win is absolutely going to Punk. He has been slapped around the place by Jericho for the last few weeks and its time for a bit of retribution. There is always a chance they will keep this feud going to the Over the Limit PPV but if Jericho wins they are gonna have to pull out something really clever for Punk's character to keep the momentum going and as much as I am enjoying WWE at the moment, I don't see that happening.

CM PUNK

John Cena (13/8) vs. Brock Lesnar (4/9) - Extreme Rules
Brock Lesnar. No doubt about. Everything, all you have, the whole she-bang on Brock Lesnar

BROCK LESNAR

Hmmm, that's a pretty big Brock...

Dead Snow

Nazi Zombies!?

Alright, the second half was pretty rockin', what with the chainsaws, sledgehammers, amputations, skull-crushings and a lad's willy being bitten off but fucking hell the first half was worse than having your bits and pieces bitten off by zombies!

As the commentators on Tiger Woods golf on the PS2 would say 'slow as molasses'.

Wrath of the Titans

Boring boring boring.

Its pretty much the first movie with all the boring bits taken out, yet somehow manages to still be really boring.

There is a moment where the giant (and I mean GIANT) mountain monster-lad comes teaming out of the earth and it really looked impressive. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out what in the shitting demi-Gods was going on! Its a maze of -eseous sounding names and infuriatingly messy fight scenes.

Its not the worst movie you'll ever seen but its so inconsequential that you are not better nor worse from having seen it! Its like spending 90 minutes staring at the poster for this fucking movie but with half the entertainment value.

Liam Nesson and Ralph Fiennes are better than this. Sam Worthington is not.

So go watch Moneyball instead, which I just watched this weekend and its great.

Wrestling Wednesdays - Flair v. Savage Wrestlemania 8

Wrestlemania 8! Not the most prolific Wrestlemania but one that houses a hidden gem among the pointlessness (Owen Hart vs. Skinner, is something to be found buried in the murky depths of Superstars). That hidden gem, that diamond in the rough, that slobberknocker within the shits is Ric Flair vs. 'Macho Man' Randy Savage!



Pitting the two men for the World Heavyweight Championship in the first of two main events of the evening. Flair and Savage were at the top of their game, some (me) would argue they never really lost 'it', just dabbled in shitness the latter half of their careers. Both managed to be legends well before retirement was on the horizon.

Flair/Savage any other time would've been a killer main event. But (Psycho) Sid Justice vs. Hulk Hogan muscled its way in cause...well it was 1992 and it was Hulkamania. But while Sid/Hogan is by-the-numbers-Hogan-gets-punched-a-lot-Hulks-up-then-punches-a-lot, the World Title match is a helluva story.



Firstly we have Flair and manager Mr.Perfect cackling, as only Flair and Perfect can, about pasting up a poster of Miss Elizabeth in the nip. Hold on, are these guys the bad guys? Either way, Savage cuts a promo defending Elizabeth's honor, barking at poor 'Mean' Gene and reminding me again how much I adore Savage's interviews.

So we get to the action and its really flawless. Savage was so great at being both an underdog and a perfectly believable champ. He'd get beaten down and beaten down but his comeback is never hammy. As for Ric Flair? Well Flair is Flair, a wonderful villain, he is evil to the point of a cartoon character here, plotting to insult the honor of Elizabeth. Dramatics are brought to an absolute high when Miss Elizabeth herself shows up to get involved (along with a young Shane McMahon!) and I'm about ready to explode (with excitement...wrestling excitement...). Now Savage is livid! He is gonna make sure no one sees Lizzie's bits and pieces except him. Damn! He just turned over the goddamn figure-four!

Finally Perfect steps up. He has as much invested in Flair being champ as Flair! He employs one of my favorite interference tactics, pass the brass knucks then distract the ref. Flair nails Savage and he is ready to steal the victory. Sigh, chalk one up for the bad guys, I guess we will see Miss Elizabeth's nips..1...2...KICK OUT!
Awesome.

Unsurprisingly, with a nudity stipulation in a PG era of rasslin' Savage picks up the win and the title aaaand the hand of Miss Elizabeth.

The closing celebrations are proof that whatever about the legitimacy of what they do in the ring, I still manage to get caught up in the story and dramatics of the whole affair. Plus Flair's post-match promo goes from villainous to just plain creepy when he basically threatens rape on Miss Elizabeth.

Only in pro-wrestling!

Cabin in the Woods

Cabin in the Woods tell the story five teenagers who travel to a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere for sex, drugs, booze and generally fun times. OK so this is where I insist on stopping anymore communication over the plot or any details of what happens next. If you find yourself reading/hearing a review that tells you anymore than what I've just said regarding the plot, throw your laptop/newpaper/magazine/internet/phone/friend or loved one out the window.

The best way to enjoy the party that is Cabin in the Woods is to know nothing about it.

Yes, its a horror movie. BUT its a Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard horror movie. Two guys (one moreso than the other) known for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. CITW actually works an awful lot like Buffy, smart alec teenagers, awesome villains and a subversion of the generally accepted rules of horror. Said rules are used to poke fun at the genre but also to give a nice warm hug and an encouraging pat on the back.

If CITW were a woman (or man) it would be the woman (or man) of your dreams, sexy, cool, fun to be around, all your friends would get along with her (him), the only thing is that this sexy woman (man) would really really love horror. CITW is blood still-beating heart shaped love letter to the genre and its fan. There are nods to other horror franchises and certain things that happen, one might say, could only be cheered for by a group of crazed horror fans. But please don't let that put you off!

My only proper complaint would be that it isn't the scaaaariest film I've ever seen. There are a couple of ohmygodholdme jumps at the beginning but we're not talking sleep-with-the-light-on scary.

Despite this CITW is really worth everyone's time. Its something different in a tired cinema full of movies made from old TV shows, remakes and McG films. Its clever, really funny and is one of the few movies where you'll be laughing and shaking your head thinking 'that was awesome'.

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games seemed to explode roughly 3 or 4 months ago. Up until then Battle Royale (and to a lesser extent Battle Royale 2: Requiem) cornered the lets-force-children-to-battle-to-the-death market. I somehow managed to avoid any marketing, even the trailer for Hunger Games and went in scoffing about how the idea is pretty much a complete replica of the uber-violent Japanese manga.

Happily I can admit I was wrong. Hunger Games creates a Orwellian world of various districts, lorded over by a rich totalitarian state, whom must throw a lady and a gentleman into a 24 person deathmatch in order to placate your poor and huddled masses. Focusing on that future distopia for the majority of the first half, with all its bright colours and mental haircuts. As well as the funny and outlandish performances that go into the pre-murderous Hunger Games show, which the masses (pardon the pun) eat up. While the second half hits you with the vicious Hunger Games themselves, amping up the harsh brutality (not of the puking blood level of Battle Royale mind) of setting kids out in a forest to hunt each other down.

So some two and a half hours later I can safely say I liked it! Its a well put together world pushing some sci-fi on you without going too far down the flying car and robot butler route. This is more 1984 than Fifth Element (which also had funny hair). The games themselves are brutal, the violence isn't too explicit but kudos to directer Gary Ross for managing to retain the nastiness of the games without having to show kids getting their heads cut off. Performances are great all-round. Woody Harrelson plays a grizzled old veteran, while the unrecognizable Elizabeth Banks is a lot of fun admist the drudgery. Stanley Tucci's Davina McCall-alike presenter of the Hunger Games TV broadcast is one of the best things in the movie, he is fun and silly with a faux-sincerity that perfectly contrasts with the violence. Jennifer Lawrence is pretty good too, a healthy mix of terror at what has to be done and fuck-it lets just survive, making her very easy to root for.

The tone is pretty bleak, the therein lies the only problem. The Hunger Games is almost two and half hours long and even though I was into it, in the latter half of the games themselves it start to become an endurance test. After the third of fourth scene of two characters overwhelmed by the horror they are facing you feel beaten down and completely worn out. There is so much to get through its tough to see where and what could've been cut but unfortunately, as a girl once told me, the length is an issue. Also there is an issue of not explaining certain elements of how the Hunger Games works (why is the hunky lad from District 12's name in the hat 42 times? What did getting 11 mean?), but these don't seriously hurt the film or confuse the story too much.

An entertaining start to a very interesting franchise, bagginess and bleakness aside, its engaging and I am on-board for the sequel!

Stella Days

Yeah its grand, I suppose....