In memory of Anthony Conroy

This week is one year on from something that I never dreamed I'd have to deal with. The loss of one of my closet and best friends.

I miss that clumsy fucker every single day, something always gives me that feeling, the Anto-would've-loved-this feeling that makes me so sad but proud to have known him. He influenced so much in my life, from my love of horror, nonsense and shit movies, to wanting to try and make some of these dumb ideas into real-life movies. Thing is, he was so damn talented himself that he could have done so much, his scripts, his music,  his ideas.

Recently the thing that makes me smile most is something he said on the set of Dead Event, when he told me he'd be happy to keep making dumb zombie movies for the rest of his life. Well, he got to make one and I'm so thankful he got to see it before it was too late.

So in memory of our favorite lanky, kilt wearing, klutz of a steampunk, here is our movie Dead Event....

We had to sadly cut Anto out of it cause he had a fucking smile on his face when getting attacked by zombies....

So we're now doing a movie called Papercuts, that Anto and myself started a few years ago.

I miss you buddy.

Killer Joe

Killer Joe is the newest picture from William Friedkin, whom brought us The Exorcist, which I have yet to watch in full after being scared shitless halfway through when I was 12. Killer Joe is a little different, it tells the story of a Texan white-trash family who plot to kill their white-trash mother/ex-wife to reap the life insurance reward. In walks Killer Joe Cooper, a full-time cop moonlighting as a hired hitman. The crew hire Joe but are a little unprepared for Joe's utterly bonkers tendencies. 

So I'm a day with this movie to rest in my brain and honestly the more it stays with me, the more I think it was really great. Its reminded me of southern double-cross thrillers like Red Rock West or Blood Simple but with a nasty violent streak and a sexually charged uncomfortableness that leaves you squirming in your chair. The tension is racked up by the absolutely fantastic Matthew McConaughey. I know! Matthew Mc-NoShirt-Conaughey...

THIS GUY!?

McConaughey is fucking TERRIFYING! His charming, square jawed handsomeness draws you in but his unflinching batshit craziness spits you right back out. 

Killer Joe is an uncomfortable, nerve-racking ride, b-movie ride. Genuinely very funny at one turn then horrifically violent and unpleasant at another, well worth a look. Especially for its utterly brilliant ending. 

Cosmopolis

Did I like this film....did...I...hmmm....did I like this film? I'm really not sure. Its got a futuristic, doomed, society-is-crumbling backdrop. I like that. Its pretty much telling us how we're all fucked and its our own fault. I like that too. Its even got loads of people looking cool with shades and stuff. I like that too! I even like R-Patz!

The main problem is its detachment. American Psycho (which this movie is probably closest to) had a main character whom was detached from reality and Cosmopolis' R-Patz is very similar. He wanders (or is driven) through the city on a way to get a haircut, bored and jaded by everything and everyone around him. The sex scenes have Pattinson with his eyes at half-mast, barely interested in what was probably the last thing to give him any pleasure in life. Just like Patrick Bateman. While we're on the subject Robert Pattinson is awesome. He is cool and distant with an underlying psychotic streak. If anyone thinks he is just a pretty glittery vampiric face, they should check this out and see that he is really quite talented.

Unlike American Psycho, Cosmopolis does very little to try and give you something to hang onto emotionally. Every character who shows up in the limo is cold, clinical and their dialogue is very very complex. For 90% of the movie its Pattinson and one other character talking about technology, death and the plummeting of society. All well and good but I was left dazed and extremely confused trying to keep up with dialogue, characters and what the heck was actually going on! Just as I was getting to grips with one paragraph, three more paragraphs of dialogue screeched past me like a runaway complication train made out of question marks.

But let me be clear, I didn't dislike it. I admire the unashamed complexity and the emotional barrenness of the characters, especially Pattinson, which is kinda the point, how money and technology is distancing us from being human. Unfortunately this means it must sacrifice anything that give the audience some involvement in the material but I guess that's like a metaphor or some shit.

Osombie

Alriiiight! I am so proud to have this in my collection. Just to have a DVD cover that depicts Osama Bin Laden as a member of the living dead fills me with a warmth that the quality of the movie couldn't possibly replicate. 'Bin Laden will die again' oh stop! Its just too perfect. Its the kinda thing you might want around if you have people over at your house and they happen to be browsing through your DVDs. Its cool that I don't have to bring it up, people will see it, ask about it and awesome, I get to talk about this movie! Its like owning Sharktopus, it sucks but when people see it they will turn to you and go 'hey whats this' and you'll tell them the basic premise and they'll say 'wow, that sounds mental!' and laugh, all the while you're hiding the fact that it really isn't as much fun as it sounds...

Osombie is what all good exploitation cinema is made of, see Iron Sky, though they waited 60 years before cashing that particular cow. But hey, these guys saw the potential, went there and pulled the trigger and the results are kinda like Sharktopus but not quite. Where Sharktopus (half shark, half octopus) failed was that aside from one or two actual Sharktopus encounters there wasn't much Sharktopus on screen, just people moving from place to place and being bored. With Osombie, there isn't very many encounters with the titular Osama Bin Laden zombie but more with his zombified minions. Unlike Sharktopus though, it isn't completely boring, but Bin Laden isn't milling about in every scene, quipping and pulling someones head off. Disappointing.

After that who gives a shit right? The whole point is for Osombie to be front and centre! Well, its not all bad, the gore is decent-ish and it moves along at a fair old pace. When you actually see Osombie, the make-up is pretty cool! So, its not the worst thing ever..I mean if you really don't want to sit through this movie just pick up the cover shake your head and say 'Feckin' hell, what a ridiculous idea', cause frankly that's about as clever and fun this movie gets.

What I'm trying to say is go see Iron Sky.

Iron Sky

If Prometheus is this years 2001: A Space Odyssey then Iron Sky is this years movie about Nazis from space. In that it is about Nazis coming from the Moon to take over the world.

If you need anymore reason to see Iron Sky other than that then you probably weren't going to see it anyway, were you? Admit it! Well you should cause there is loads to enjoy! Sure, there are moments when you think 'Stop! You have the most perfect premise, why are you bothering with these subplots' but who cares, cause when it delivered, it fucking delivers giant zeppelins from space! Little moments and gags made me so delighted, cause if I was gonna make a Nazis from space movie, this is pretty much how I'd do it! When a movie has background gags where children's hopscotch game is drawn in chalk on the ground in the shape of a swastika, I want to high-five this movie and give it an encouraging 'keep this shit up'. 

Really silly b-movie fun, which I hope does well. Its clear someone put a lot of effort in while still realising how completely bonkers this whole endeavor was and for that I think as much kudos as possible should be given.

Prometheus

Finally! The first of the massive movies has arrived at the Summer blockbuster party. But unusually this Summer blockbuster has loftier ideas, while some are tackling what would it be like to see robots hit each other in the mouth and be racist, Prometheus is looking at the grander picture of where we came from and does God exist.

Sci-fi is a genre of ideas. People I've spoken to about Prometheus whom didn't enjoy it, mainly didn't, it seems, because it didn't provide what it had promised. I mostly agree, mostly. The trailer promised some epic ideas on the nature of God, creation and why-we-are-here. Of course I didn't expect the movie to come out and lay out the meaning of life for me but I did expect some cool, interesting or even just fun sci-fi ideas. The film sets up some cool stuff but with dialogue so plodding and in one particular scene, completely nonsensical, it feels like they just needed an excuse to get on the planet to do some gnarly shit but didn't bother to give some sufficient explanation as to what is going on.  

That is not to say I hated Prometheus. Actually I really enjoyed it. It hits a high mark on the yuck-o-meter about half way in that made this old fool smile. The final shot, which seemed to enrage some people had me squealing with delight even if it made little to no sense. Nods to the original Alien movie had me excitedly pointing, saying 'wooooah look at that one' to the interest of no one. Michael Fassbender is an absolute star too! There is something so fantastically creepy about him as he wanders around staring at things and owning the flick's best dialogue. Then there is the scenery. Holy moly, there is one thing you cannot possibly fault Prometheus on is how utterly stunning it looks. The landscape is vast and beautifully rich in detail. Everything is so wonderfully epic!

This might all sound great (and it is) but there is still a little part of me that wishes its themes and ideas could have been a little more epic. But hey, who I am to knock some slimy gore. No one, that's who. 

Stephen's Summer Songs of the Sentury

So the Sun isn't out now, its the perfect time to compile your favorite Summer music songs in a neat little compilation tape/CD. What? You don't want to? Well that's ok, here are some of mine!

Dr. Dre (ft. Snoop Dogg) - Ain't Nuthin' Be a G Thang

A couple of young men on their way to a picnic! Could it get anymore Summertastic?! Well they probably have guns and there will be hoes involved and I'm not talking the gardening kind....

Alice Cooper - School's Out

Could you imagine, its the last day of school, everyone piles out, sun is blazin' down, your uniform jumper is tied round your waist, two (or three) months of pure, uninterrupted freedom....THEN THE FUCKING SCHOOL BLOWS UP BEHIND YOU! Arguably the greatest exploding school song ever written. 

Len - Steal My Sunshine

Get the fuck out of here. You are NOT better than this song.

Earth, Wind and Fire - September

Yeah so the song is set in the wrong month, but I just can't help dancing in my underpants in the back garden to it. Letting the Sun kiss every inch of my almost nude body as I gyrate to the upbeat tempo of disco kings  Earth, Wind and Fire...think about that next time you listen to this song...

Ice Cube - Today Was a Good Day

The dog next door isn't barking, the sun is shining, he eats just enough for breakfast, he has sex with a woman, someone doesn't steal his car, he doesn't get arrested, he wasn't forced to kill anyone. Sounds like a good Summers day to me...

American Reunion

According to this film I was 13 when the first American Pie was released. At that time I remember it being a revelation! Easily the funniest film I had seen in my 13 years on this planet and boobs, actually boobs in a mainstream that was easily accessible!

Unfortunately time does not do American Pie any favors and now that boobs are easier to see than your own parents, I'm starting to think that the reason I hated American Reunion was based around just this. I think now that I am not 13 anymore this shit doesn't cut it as far as comedy goes. But I still like stuff like Van Wilder and Harold and Kumar, those aren't more high-brow than American Pie, are they?!

No, no they aren't.

American Pie: Reunion reunites everyone from the original movie, whom come together for (surprisingly!) their unofficial high school reunion. Everyone arrives with emotional baggage, some have barren sex lives, others have mental girlfriends blah blah blah, its pretty average, rom-com, DTV comedic fare.

Its not that the original had a ground breaking storyline but its simplicity meant more room for jokes and outrageous situations and cringy awkwardness. To say the new movie lacks any sort of invention is an understatement, at one point Jason Biggs wakes up without any pants! Surely at this point Biggs wouldn't give two fucks about people seeing his junk. Its such a painfully vanilla film where barely anything funny happens! When a gag involving Eugene Levy's eyebrows is the comedy high-point, you know your film is in trouble.

Sadly as soon as the nostalgia kick wears off the movie is just bland and very very dull. But at least its good to see Tara Reid isn't dead, so, there's that.

Avengers Assemble

Iron Man, Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America and now its time for AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! With Joss Whedon in the engine room of this superhero powered money-train, you can consider my nerd powerfully gasmed.

So what could possibly go wrong exactly?

Well, not a lot. Sure there are a few talkie bits that might need a little trim. SURE the story is exactly the same as Transformers 1, in so much as a bad guy has a magic cube to rule the world, good guys want magic cube back, smash shit up etc. SUUUUURE its a little too long. But y'know if only blockbusters could look and sound this slick, if they all had a central Hulk performance this funny and awesome. If Joss Whedon could just be involved in every movi....OK maybe not but he certainly manages to make a really fun, cartoon of an action movie, with ludicrous bad guys who cackle and curly their mustaches with malevolent glee. A movie so crammed full of heroes but everyone gets a chance to shine. The dialogue is sharp and funny without be too heavy on the Whedonisms. Who really gives a hoot about story when shit it blowing up!

What we have here is a big, loud blockbuster that is tense and exciting but doesn't forget to be as fun and silly in all exactly the right places. Roll on Avengers Assemble 2: The Assemblinating...

Wrestling Wednesday - Extreme Rules!

So! This Sunday WWE holds it annual Extreme Rules PPV, where every match is held with a different stipulation. Be it 2/3 Falls, Tables, Submission or the nicely vague Extreme Rules match. Passed onto me, to my very pleasant surprise, Paddy Power is taking bets on the outcome of some of the matches at the PPV. So in the interest of helping people make a little extra scratch, here are my tips for Extreme Rules 2012

Randy Orton (1/3) vs. Kane (2/1) - Falls Count Anywhere
Kane has had some terrible history with the Fall Count Anywhere match. BUT Kane has undergone a re-calibration recently, or more accurately he went back to the old Kane with a mask. BUUUUT Orton seems to have been under the radar recently and though I wouldn't be his biggest fan in-ring-wise, I'd definitely see Orton being bumped up to main event status pretty soon. Considering the odds though I say take the risk and hope that they are going to keep up Kane's momentum and make him a evil bastard again.

                                                                           

      KANE

Intercontinental Championship Match
Big Show (c) (5/4) vs. Cody Rhodes (4/7) - Stipulation Yet to be Figured Out
Probably Big Show, since they made a big song and dance about him winning the title and it being his 'Wrestlemania Moment'. Still should be fun and part of me wants Cody to win but it'd make much more sense for Showster to retain.

BIG SHOW

World Heavyweight Championship 
Sheamus (c) (2/5) vs. Daniel Bryan (7/4) - 2/3 Falls
I figure this is going to be a little sleeper hit. I have yet to hate a Sheamus match (Wrestlemania notwithstanding) and Daniel Bryan's pre-WWE 2/3 Falls are always spectacular! Granted this ain't Ring of Honor but WWE are perfectly capable of putting on some awesome wrestling. WWE could actually make this feud pretty interesting with a Bryan win but the safe bet is Sheamus to retain.

                                                                     

  SHEAMUS

WWE Championship 
CM Punk (c) (4/7) vs. Chris Jericho (5/4) - Chicago Street Fight
This. Will. Be. Awesome! Their feud has been bad-ass with Punk and Jericho being an absolute riot! The win is absolutely going to Punk. He has been slapped around the place by Jericho for the last few weeks and its time for a bit of retribution. There is always a chance they will keep this feud going to the Over the Limit PPV but if Jericho wins they are gonna have to pull out something really clever for Punk's character to keep the momentum going and as much as I am enjoying WWE at the moment, I don't see that happening.

CM PUNK

John Cena (13/8) vs. Brock Lesnar (4/9) - Extreme Rules
Brock Lesnar. No doubt about. Everything, all you have, the whole she-bang on Brock Lesnar

BROCK LESNAR

Hmmm, that's a pretty big Brock...

Dead Snow

Nazi Zombies!?

Alright, the second half was pretty rockin', what with the chainsaws, sledgehammers, amputations, skull-crushings and a lad's willy being bitten off but fucking hell the first half was worse than having your bits and pieces bitten off by zombies!

As the commentators on Tiger Woods golf on the PS2 would say 'slow as molasses'.

Wrath of the Titans

Boring boring boring.

Its pretty much the first movie with all the boring bits taken out, yet somehow manages to still be really boring.

There is a moment where the giant (and I mean GIANT) mountain monster-lad comes teaming out of the earth and it really looked impressive. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out what in the shitting demi-Gods was going on! Its a maze of -eseous sounding names and infuriatingly messy fight scenes.

Its not the worst movie you'll ever seen but its so inconsequential that you are not better nor worse from having seen it! Its like spending 90 minutes staring at the poster for this fucking movie but with half the entertainment value.

Liam Nesson and Ralph Fiennes are better than this. Sam Worthington is not.

So go watch Moneyball instead, which I just watched this weekend and its great.

Wrestling Wednesdays - Flair v. Savage Wrestlemania 8

Wrestlemania 8! Not the most prolific Wrestlemania but one that houses a hidden gem among the pointlessness (Owen Hart vs. Skinner, is something to be found buried in the murky depths of Superstars). That hidden gem, that diamond in the rough, that slobberknocker within the shits is Ric Flair vs. 'Macho Man' Randy Savage!



Pitting the two men for the World Heavyweight Championship in the first of two main events of the evening. Flair and Savage were at the top of their game, some (me) would argue they never really lost 'it', just dabbled in shitness the latter half of their careers. Both managed to be legends well before retirement was on the horizon.

Flair/Savage any other time would've been a killer main event. But (Psycho) Sid Justice vs. Hulk Hogan muscled its way in cause...well it was 1992 and it was Hulkamania. But while Sid/Hogan is by-the-numbers-Hogan-gets-punched-a-lot-Hulks-up-then-punches-a-lot, the World Title match is a helluva story.



Firstly we have Flair and manager Mr.Perfect cackling, as only Flair and Perfect can, about pasting up a poster of Miss Elizabeth in the nip. Hold on, are these guys the bad guys? Either way, Savage cuts a promo defending Elizabeth's honor, barking at poor 'Mean' Gene and reminding me again how much I adore Savage's interviews.

So we get to the action and its really flawless. Savage was so great at being both an underdog and a perfectly believable champ. He'd get beaten down and beaten down but his comeback is never hammy. As for Ric Flair? Well Flair is Flair, a wonderful villain, he is evil to the point of a cartoon character here, plotting to insult the honor of Elizabeth. Dramatics are brought to an absolute high when Miss Elizabeth herself shows up to get involved (along with a young Shane McMahon!) and I'm about ready to explode (with excitement...wrestling excitement...). Now Savage is livid! He is gonna make sure no one sees Lizzie's bits and pieces except him. Damn! He just turned over the goddamn figure-four!

Finally Perfect steps up. He has as much invested in Flair being champ as Flair! He employs one of my favorite interference tactics, pass the brass knucks then distract the ref. Flair nails Savage and he is ready to steal the victory. Sigh, chalk one up for the bad guys, I guess we will see Miss Elizabeth's nips..1...2...KICK OUT!
Awesome.

Unsurprisingly, with a nudity stipulation in a PG era of rasslin' Savage picks up the win and the title aaaand the hand of Miss Elizabeth.

The closing celebrations are proof that whatever about the legitimacy of what they do in the ring, I still manage to get caught up in the story and dramatics of the whole affair. Plus Flair's post-match promo goes from villainous to just plain creepy when he basically threatens rape on Miss Elizabeth.

Only in pro-wrestling!

Cabin in the Woods

Cabin in the Woods tell the story five teenagers who travel to a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere for sex, drugs, booze and generally fun times. OK so this is where I insist on stopping anymore communication over the plot or any details of what happens next. If you find yourself reading/hearing a review that tells you anymore than what I've just said regarding the plot, throw your laptop/newpaper/magazine/internet/phone/friend or loved one out the window.

The best way to enjoy the party that is Cabin in the Woods is to know nothing about it.

Yes, its a horror movie. BUT its a Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard horror movie. Two guys (one moreso than the other) known for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. CITW actually works an awful lot like Buffy, smart alec teenagers, awesome villains and a subversion of the generally accepted rules of horror. Said rules are used to poke fun at the genre but also to give a nice warm hug and an encouraging pat on the back.

If CITW were a woman (or man) it would be the woman (or man) of your dreams, sexy, cool, fun to be around, all your friends would get along with her (him), the only thing is that this sexy woman (man) would really really love horror. CITW is blood still-beating heart shaped love letter to the genre and its fan. There are nods to other horror franchises and certain things that happen, one might say, could only be cheered for by a group of crazed horror fans. But please don't let that put you off!

My only proper complaint would be that it isn't the scaaaariest film I've ever seen. There are a couple of ohmygodholdme jumps at the beginning but we're not talking sleep-with-the-light-on scary.

Despite this CITW is really worth everyone's time. Its something different in a tired cinema full of movies made from old TV shows, remakes and McG films. Its clever, really funny and is one of the few movies where you'll be laughing and shaking your head thinking 'that was awesome'.

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games seemed to explode roughly 3 or 4 months ago. Up until then Battle Royale (and to a lesser extent Battle Royale 2: Requiem) cornered the lets-force-children-to-battle-to-the-death market. I somehow managed to avoid any marketing, even the trailer for Hunger Games and went in scoffing about how the idea is pretty much a complete replica of the uber-violent Japanese manga.

Happily I can admit I was wrong. Hunger Games creates a Orwellian world of various districts, lorded over by a rich totalitarian state, whom must throw a lady and a gentleman into a 24 person deathmatch in order to placate your poor and huddled masses. Focusing on that future distopia for the majority of the first half, with all its bright colours and mental haircuts. As well as the funny and outlandish performances that go into the pre-murderous Hunger Games show, which the masses (pardon the pun) eat up. While the second half hits you with the vicious Hunger Games themselves, amping up the harsh brutality (not of the puking blood level of Battle Royale mind) of setting kids out in a forest to hunt each other down.

So some two and a half hours later I can safely say I liked it! Its a well put together world pushing some sci-fi on you without going too far down the flying car and robot butler route. This is more 1984 than Fifth Element (which also had funny hair). The games themselves are brutal, the violence isn't too explicit but kudos to directer Gary Ross for managing to retain the nastiness of the games without having to show kids getting their heads cut off. Performances are great all-round. Woody Harrelson plays a grizzled old veteran, while the unrecognizable Elizabeth Banks is a lot of fun admist the drudgery. Stanley Tucci's Davina McCall-alike presenter of the Hunger Games TV broadcast is one of the best things in the movie, he is fun and silly with a faux-sincerity that perfectly contrasts with the violence. Jennifer Lawrence is pretty good too, a healthy mix of terror at what has to be done and fuck-it lets just survive, making her very easy to root for.

The tone is pretty bleak, the therein lies the only problem. The Hunger Games is almost two and half hours long and even though I was into it, in the latter half of the games themselves it start to become an endurance test. After the third of fourth scene of two characters overwhelmed by the horror they are facing you feel beaten down and completely worn out. There is so much to get through its tough to see where and what could've been cut but unfortunately, as a girl once told me, the length is an issue. Also there is an issue of not explaining certain elements of how the Hunger Games works (why is the hunky lad from District 12's name in the hat 42 times? What did getting 11 mean?), but these don't seriously hurt the film or confuse the story too much.

An entertaining start to a very interesting franchise, bagginess and bleakness aside, its engaging and I am on-board for the sequel!

Stella Days

Yeah its grand, I suppose....

This Must Be the Place

Think of a Wes Anderson movie, quirky, funny, weird with genuine pathos and a character depth which is touching and familiar. They usually feature a major actor looking a bit bedraggled and depressed and they are usually Bill Murray.

Now, the main problem with The Must Be The Place is that its not a Wes Anderson movie but its trying reeeeeally, reeeeally hard to be one.

Its not that TMBTP is bad, its just that you feel like its trying to be quirky and weird but ends up being a bit stupid and opens itself up for much scoffing and a lot of what-the-fucks. Penn is fine as the washed-up glam rocker who is living an easy but a completely unfulfilling life. So when his father dies, he travels to his funeral and end up trying to track down a Nazi war criminal whom terrorized his father during the War.

The adventure that then ensues contains bizarre characters, situations and conversations that I honestly wish had more depth, humor or were even vaguely interesting.

Thing is, I wanted to like it, its got little moments and Penn is generally great but its faux-deep conversations("sometimes life doesn't give you all that life can't give"). Just because you make no sense, doesn't mean what you're saying is profound. At all.

Project X

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh!!!!

Ahem, OK so a couple of high-schoolers decide to throw the ultimate make or break party while one of the guy's parents is away. Its all shot in mockumentary style and is pretty much based on this guy...



...an Australian teenager who threw a massive house party which resulted in huge amount of damage and mayhem.

So first of all, this movie is incredibly awful. The least, you'd think, with a story like that you could probably thrown something fun if completely stupid together ala Old School. Or even something serviceable despite its leery, obnoxious characters ala The Hangover...

WRONG!

Project X is like looking through the window at a house party you will never be allowed into. There are several montages of people drinking, dancing, taking off their clothes, jumping around, having a fuck-load better time than you're having!

The characters are all absolute pricks, the women are basically there to take their tops off and be pretty much abused by anyone with a cock.

The arrogance of this monstrosity could only be put on paper by a teenager and that teenager is a dick. Look at the ending, particularly that of the relationship between our hero and his love interest, how that is resolved is mind-boggling. No adult could have finished the last line of that and thought 'yes, people will buy that, I'm a comic genius'. The film is like a 15yr old boy's dream, where nothing has real consequence, girls are dumb and easily manipulated and everything is funny even when it really, really isn't. In fact I would've been won over if the film had ended up being just a wet dream of some obnoxious adolescent and he had to just clean himself up and go to school, where none of this had actually happened. At least then that would fucking explain how this movie actually fucking happened!?!

There is a lot more I could shite on about Project X and its appalling nature but the one big problem for X, one which one could've saved all of this hate and bile I'm spewing, is that there are no jokes. Nothing. Not a single funny thing happens. Sure there are things I assumed the writers intended on being funny i.e angry midget, swearing, calling people 'faggot' constantly, women taking off their tops and guys talking about how they are going to 'fuck that' then indeed fucking that. I just couldn't find the jokes, for the most part the party just happens until its not happening.

A complete waste of my fucking time and my time is NOT important!

Rammstein - 27/02/2012

Good lord! Industrial metalists, bondage enthusiasts and all-round German mental-bags Rammstein were in town tonight!

They spent about two hours setting off fireworks, flamethrowers, explosives, flares and giant robotic cocks to a pretty full O2 and boy was it some show!

Rammstein are a band that are frequently and easily mocked, even inviting some of with their bizarre music videos and silly songs (Amerika & Du Hast, though great fun, are guilty). But man oh man do they put on a helluva stage show.

Fireworks shots out of every side of the stage, flames bursts out of the stage floor and the ceiling, willed on by the absolutely insane front man Till Lindemann, whose booming vocals got the crowd kicking and punching their way through classics such as 'Ich Will', 'Sonne' and my personal favourite 'Engel'.

Beside all the big bright shiny fireworks, Rammstein's usually dose of bondage and sado-masochism shone through like a leathery beacon of light for all those (and their were a few) whom had shown up in bondage gear. At one point they were walked across a platform on hands and knees, with leashes on and whipped by the drummer as they made their way to a smaller stage on the middle of the crowd. Bizarre but kinda hilarious stuff, thankfully Rammstein rarely take themselves too seriously and Till proceeded to shower the audience with, what I presume was water emanating from a small penis-like attachment to the front of his pants.

Rammstein are such a spectacle, you may not like the music but I assure you the stage show is epic, yeah its just crashes and bangs and colourful lights but its very brilliantly put together crashes and bangs and colourful lights. Well worth the ridiculous price for a ticket.


Oh and it ended with a giant motorised cock which was driven from one side of the stage to the other shooting out white jizzy foam. Well I never...

Chaos Theory

I have thought of a couple of different ways to express my true feelings on this bland, patronizing, nonsense. I was thinking of a series of photos showing how I drifted off into a coma while its putrid dialogue droned on in the background. I actually thought maybe I should record something so I could properly express my disgust that Ryan Reynolds even considered this emotionally vacant, offensively unfunny film.

Instead I will just say....THIS.IS.THE.WORST.FILM.I'VE.EVER.SEEN

And I've seen this....




...and enjoyed it...

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Nicolas Cage is brilliant.

Brilliant enough to make me any old shit. Justice? Seen it. Knowing? Seen it. Yes, even the original Ghost Rider. So of course I had to see the sequel. It didn't hurt that involved are Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor whom were behind Crank and a number of films I really wanted to like more than I actually did such as Pathology and Gamer.

Unfortunately Spirit of Vengeance feels a lot more restrained than the lunacy that the Neveldine/Taylor team usually means. The backers obviously needed this to be a 12a (it being a comic and such) and the lads were obviously holding something back and it really really shows.

But fuck it, this is about The Cage and frankly, he delivered a big barrel of this...



Honestly Cage is everything brilliant about this film. Really and truly it is so much fun to watch someone just not give a fuck anymore and just go for it.

The rest of the movie is fine, silly action, bizarre cameos and fun one-liners. The pace is quick enough to not get bored during the talkie bits. But honestly I wish this was at least a 15s, feels like it has been sanitized. Still good bombastic fun. Nic Cage is the fucking balls too.


P.S If anyone is in any doubt that Cage is the goddamn best thing ever, please type 'Nic Cage losing his shit' into youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP1-oquwoL8

He is the best.

Rubber

Rubber tire goes on a killer spree using its telekinetic powers to make peoples head explode.

....


Sounds awesome. The only problem is things aren't that simple. Instead Rubber is an art-house movie with a b-movie gimmick. The movie it reminds me the most of is Alex Cox's Repo Man. Both are set in rural, barren landscape. Both are full of interesting ideas that make little sense but are so odd you can kinda go along with them. The only problem is Repo Man is a helluva lot more likable than Rubber is. Rubber is OK and many of its bizarre ideas can be taken as silly fun but there is something very smug about the whole thing. Why cant a movie just be about a killer tire? Why do I have to have Stephen Spinella (whom I do really like in this) explaining how the movie is about nothing. I get that, but it feels like the filmmakers are constantly saying 'Hey hey! Look how smart and irreverent we are!'.

I don't want to make out that Rubber is bad. Its not. I can actually be a lot of fun and the effects are really cool and some of it is really funny but there is a smart-arsey about it that makes it not as much of a hoot as it should be.